We’re Here and We’re Queer: Navigating Queer Identify in Heteronormative Spaces
I was five years old when my babysitter teased me for being best friends with a boy, joking that I had a “little boyfriend”. The next day, I kissed him on the cheek at school, only because I thought that was what boys and girls were supposed to do.
I was ten when I first listened to a relative go on a tangent about pronouns at a family gathering. “I don’t care if you’re gay, or trans, or whatever,” I recall them saying, “but keep it in the bedroom.”
At age fifteen, my well-intentioned mom, the most empathetic person I know, begged me not to cut my “beautiful long hair” when I considered getting a shorter haircut inspired by my favourite lesbian influencer.
Time and time again, I’ve fielded unintentionally backhanded comments and questions about my gender expression, from “You look so much better in dresses,” to “So what, are you, like, trying to be ‘butch’ or something?” All of these memories have stuck with me like glue. But it isn’t anybody’s fault. Not really.
Each of these scenarios were firsthand examples of cis-heteronormativity: the idea that being heterosexual and cisgender is the ‘default’ and that any other non-conforming identity is ‘different’. Although much progress has been made towards 2STLGBQIA+ rights in Canada today, these norms remain ingrained in the fabric of our society.
One of the most impactful experiences I have had was an attempt to attend a Greek life fraternity party in the US deep south. I, being a lesbian, was not allowed in, as Greek life expects heteronormativity and proportional pairings of brothers to women. Queerness doesn’t fit into any of those expectations. This, among many other experiences, reinforced the idea that I am a lesbian before I am a woman, that my queerness and decentralizing heteronormativity negated my connection to my gender identity. I was often discouraged from occupying spaces for women such as locker rooms and bathrooms as I “barely counted” as a woman, despite identifying as one. I have often felt alienated from the label of womanhood because my identity is disconnected from patriarchal and heteronormative ideas of what it “means” to be a woman. Lesbian is, sometimes, both a gender and sexual identity to me just by way of this departure from these traditional ideas.
– Anonymous McMaster Student
It’s no groundbreaking discovery that queer people are forced to navigate a world that tends to contradict our truth. For many of us, coming out meant rediscovering the childhood versions of ourselves who hadn’t yet been taught to conform to the unspoken expectations of the adult world—a process that seems simple, yet is, in reality, complex, terrifying, and often painful. Breaking away from prescribed expectations means confronting the ideas you unknowingly internalized about yourself as you grew up, and this can be a really challenging realization.
When I was younger, I noticed that my [female] friends would always have crushes on boys starting from the beginning of elementary school. To fit in, I would pretend to also have crushes on random boys in my class even if I did not feel anything towards them. I guess this was the moment that I started to develop the idea that romantic relationships between boys and girls are perceived as normal and not having one is seen as abnormal.
– Anonymous McMaster Student
I am queer. That’s a statement that still feels foreign on my lips, to some degree. Don’t get me wrong, I hold a lot of pride in my identity; I attend the parades and events, I volunteer for a 2STLGBQIA+ service, and I do my best to advocate for representation in the spaces I take up. I am beyond fortunate to come from a supportive background. Yet, I often still find myself avoiding gendering my partner in casual conversation and squeezing myself into my old, uncomfortable dresses for family reunions. When I had my first girlfriend in high school, I didn’t tell many of the adults in my life about her. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky – I just didn’t have the language or confidence to go about correcting them when they tried to have the “boy talk” with me. I’ve always struggled to walk the line between expressing my truth and drawing undesired attention towards my identity in a society that assumes the default. Even within my sapphic relationships, I’ve had to address heteronormativity seeping into our expectations of one another. This is something I continually have to challenge myself on: the roles you take on in a relationship shouldn’t be defined by gender expression, but by communication between you and your partner.
Whether we like it or not, being queer comes along with the strain of navigating a world of cis-heteronormative expectations, driven by a system that has not been built with us in mind. But, from one queer student to the next, it gets better. You will find the spaces and people who see you for exactly who you are.
Growing up as a dancer, partner dancing always meant boy-and-girl. It kind of felt disheartening given that I identify as gay and express myself through my clothes, hair and hobby separate from the binary society is desperate to uphold.
– Anonymous McMaster Student
How to be queer in a cis-heteronormative world: from one queer student to another
1. Start to notice when and where you feel most like yourself
Acknowledge the places or people you’re around that allow you to feel most like you! Where can you show up as you are, in ways that feel comfortable to you? Noticing how you feel in these situations can help pinpoint some of the spaces, moments, and people that may help you feel most safe and supported in your identity. If you can’t think of any – take a breath. That’s ok too. Be kind to yourself, wherever you’re at. Adapting to fit normative expectations is a natural social mechanism that keeps us safe in unfamiliar situations! Your identity is valid, no matter how you show up.
2. Build a support network and find safe spaces
Do you have allies you can fall back on and/or be yourself around? Finding queer-friendly spaces can be so integral to finding peers with common experiences and identities. For the years I was living in my small hometown, I struggled to find community, and I was deeply impacted by queer loneliness. If you resonate with this, I recommend checking out Fei Mu’s article. For me, visiting the Pride Community Centre in first year was my bridge to the expansive queer community I’ve found at Mac. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to build connections – simply adding a resource to your toolbox or showing up to an activity or space can be a form of support-building!
Check out spaces on campus that are specifically open to 2STLGBQIA+ students, such as:
MSU Pride Community Centre (PCC)
MSU Women and Gender Equity Network (WGEN)
Queer Study Buddies – Mills Memorial Library
Hamilton 2STLGBQIA+ organisations:
And 2STLGBQIA+ athletic groups:
Steel City Inclusive Softball Association
Mellow Queer Volleyball (Instagram link)
Queer Biking Hamilton (Instagram link)
Rainbow Moves at The Move Room (yoga/pilates)
3. Check your role models
Who are you following? What are your main influences? We are not responsible for “changing” the minds of others, but we do have the power to shape which content we consume, online and offline. Try seeking more queer media to gain comfort with open representation and consider saying goodbye to influencers and media that don’t align with the values that you want to uphold.
4. Find the small things that make you feel like YOU
As queer people, there can sometimes be an assumption that we have to be loud to be proud. But, this can often be an uncomfortable position to be in, particularly if you’re the only 2STLGBQIA+ person in your circle or organization.
Reminder: Our existence is resistance. You don’t need to be any more visible than you feel comfortable being, and you don’t need to present any particular way for anyone but yourself. Whether it’s a fresh haircut, jewellery, your favourite t-shirt, a binder, love-heart boxers, you name it – do your thing. Feel free to lean into your self-expression a little more each time that you feel safe and comfortable doing so, whether that’s in public or simply in the privacy of your bedroom. I think that the best thing about being queer is getting to witness the little moments of stepping into yourself that others don’t see.
5. Have your support toolkit ready
It can be really tough moving through a cis-heteronormative world while dealing with the unique struggles of being queer. If you’re looking to explore your identity, find coping strategies, navigate stressors, or just have some resources in your back pocket, know that support is available at the pages linked below.
For 24/7 anonymous crisis support, visit https://wellness.mcmaster.ca/crisis-support/
For 2SLGBTQIA+ specific support, visit https://wellness.mcmaster.ca/resources/2slgbtqia
Heteronormativity was something that I internalized growing up. Pretty much all my family members and friends were cishet when I was younger so I just assumed that was the default. I was assigned female at birth, so once I had a crush on a boy (in middle school) I figured that I was straight and that was the end of that. By this point, I knew that gay people existed, but I didn’t think that I could be part of the LGBTQ+ community. Then in high school, I met a girl who I had more-than-platonic feelings for, and I discovered that gay and straight were not the only two options. I now identify as panromantic.
– Anonymous McMaster Student
Happy Pride Month, beautiful people. You’re not alone, and yes, it does get better. Give it some time, find your supports, and the rest will come. Shine bright – or just give yourself a hug for being you.
Written by Jayneigh Hesler
Life Events, Mental Health & Mental Illness, Relationships